I discovered the key to happiness, skinny-ness, and possibly wealth. It’s called The Boat Diet. I can’t say I discovered it. Pirates probably did that, but they hadn’t perfected it and died of scurvy. Although not the discoverer, I can be the multi millionaire who writes a book about it, gets on Oprah, and creates an over night sensation. I mean, didn’t cavemen invent Paleo? They weren’t the ones to make money off of it though.
So here it is….
Are you feeling sluggish and stressed out?
Need to lose those few extra pounds?
What if I told you I knew the key to solving all your problems?
What if I told you that in a few short months I could have you tan, skinny, and relaxing in the sun without having to even think about working out or watching what you eat.
It’s not impossible…it’s the boat diet.
First, buy a sailboat. A trawler might work but not as well. And don’t get too nice of a boat. If you’re too comfortable this won’t work. Preferably no hot water, no air conditioning, and an engine that conks out every once in awhile to keep you on your toes.
Now, quit your job, move out of your house, and onto this boat. Head somewhere warm. Not warm – hot actually. That way all you can really wear is a swimsuit so you’re constantly aware of that belly. Not in a bad way. It’ll be gone so fast, wearing the swimsuit is a good thing. Being aware will make you happy.
Oh, I forgot to mention the boat shouldn’t have a fridge, just an icebox. Now stock the boat and icebox with goodies. Wine, beer, cookies, pasta…all the stuff you couldn’t have on a regular diet but can totally have on this one.
Sounding good, right?
So off you go…to the tropics.
Your boat is gonna break down a few times. There’s a workout right there…sweating on a breezeless day, squeezing into weird boat spaces, trying to get bolts off that have been in place since 1975…who needs reps with weights?
Then you’ll go for a few sails. Not only will you be pulling up sails and getting another great ARM workout, but the boat will be heeled over and rocking…can you say CORE WORKOUT?
Now, anytime you want to get off the boat you have to climb a ladder and over lifelines. And if you wanna go to sleep you have to hike yourself up and into the v-berth. There are your legs for the day.
You wake up and put on your swimsuit and sweat off all your water weight all day. However, you’re also getting that tan I promised.
It’s so hot that you don’t want any beer or wine…just water. Remember how I said you could have anything you wanted…you can…you just won’t want it.
You’re so stressed out sailing, or navigating buoys, or fixing engines that you forget to eat so you grab an apple.
You have to anchor, so you pull a 30lb danforth up and down a few times – or you have to dock and literally stop an 8000 lb boat from hitting the dock with nothing but your newly found brute strength.
It’s late, you’re tired, but you’re on the ocean and there’s fresh seafood so you through some on the grill. You eat about three pieces of shrimp and more fruit because its hot and you’re tired.
The next day you wake up to do it all over again but 5 pounds lighter and with more muscle!
It is a lot of work, but eventually you’ll start relaxing and enjoying things. You’re engine kinks will start to work out, you’ll get better at docking and anchoring, and you’ll start to eat more.
THEN…you have to walk, or bike, or longboard everywhere because you don’t have a car. So, you might be able to eat pasta and have wine for dinner now…but you’ll have to longboard at least 2 miles because people are dumb and don’t put grocery stores where you need them.
There it is…The Boat Diet! All you have to do is buy a boat, drop everything, and sail away….
July 11, 2013 at 12:34 pm
Ha awesome! We miss you guys!
July 11, 2013 at 1:07 pm
Genius article! You should’ve taken weight, body fat, and waist, arm, etc. measurements before you left. So you could compare after.
July 11, 2013 at 3:26 pm
Um…I did, haha!
July 11, 2013 at 7:04 pm
hilarious!!! (googles “cheap boats” on craigslist to jumpstart diet)…
July 11, 2013 at 7:18 pm
Next time you try out for the Titans’ Cheerleaders….we’ll have a boat vacay first.
July 14, 2013 at 12:30 pm
That’s an awesome start to your book-writing fame… and Oprah. Sounds great. 🙂